Blocking Joy
Learning to feel, not block the emotion of joy.
By Daryl Olson, OYF Lead Facilitator
While we were all locked down during the pandemic, I became a fan of Brene Brown's “Atlas of the Heart,” Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. Here, Dr. Brown takes the reader on a journey through eighty-seven emotions that help define what it means to be human.
My realization as I read, was that I have often blocked myself from truly experiencing many of these emotions. My most compelling/troubling self-induced block was my resistance to experiencing the emotion of joy.
Brene Brown defines joy as “an intense feeling of spiritual connection, pleasure and appreciation.” That sounds right, however, anytime someone would ask me to define my of feelings joy, my brain would go foggy and I would struggle to talk about my joy with any clarity. I realized later that I wasn’t alone I was experiencing, what Dr Brown describes as “foreboding joy”. So when asked to describe my feelings of joy, I would say, “you know, it feels good.” and that was about it.
I always thought that this was due to the fact that growing up in my household we did not talk about our feelings. I learned early on never to admit when I felt fear or uncertainty and I would never say, “I’m feeling really joyful right now.”
If I did, I would get the stink eye and some relative would mutter, “what’s wrong with that boy.” So, I was extremely relieved to read Dr. Brown’s sharing of the research of Matthew Kuan Johnson. He hypothesized that the very nature of joy pushes the boundaries of our ability to communicate our lived experiences via spoken language. My mind blown! It wasn’t just me. Many people find experiences of joy difficult to articulate.
Even with that revelation, I was troubled that I could never say for certain that I had allowed myself to ever feel real joy with the exception of when I was performing on the improv stage. Then I read Dr. Brown’s account of “foreboding joy,” where she claimed that joy is the most vulnerable human emotion. Again, growing up in my family, admitting vulnerability was viewed as weakness. Dr. Brown, though, clearly states that “vulnerability is not weakness. It’s our greatest measure of courage.”
No one had ever said that to me before, so when I read Dr. Brown’s description of foreboding joy, I felt that she was speaking right to me, “when we lose our tolerance for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. No emotion is more frightening than joy because if we allow ourselves to feel joy, we are inviting disaster.”
Those words brought back a memory for me. Several years ago, I was in a workshop with my improv colleague, Shelley Darcy. The facilitator asked Shelley, “tell us something true about Daryl.” Without hesitation, Shelley said, “every silver lining has a cloud.” I realized that I had a tendency to not completely feel the joy of certain moments, I would focus on the cost of joy. I was unwilling to be vulnerable and experience joy.
However, when performing on the improv stage, as I mentioned, I found I can be vulnerable. There is no more joyous feeling for me than when I am completely connected with my fellow players and the audience and we get a big reaction, that ten seconds prior, we had no idea was coming. But, there is also the possibility of not connecting, no reaction from the audience, failing. That never feels good.
The reason I can feel and embrace the joy on the improv stage is because I accept the possibility of failure. I allow myself to be vulnerable and embrace that joy comes with a cost. That cost can be sadness, loss or disappointment; but, I believe that the joy will always also exist. I like to think of joy now using the words from a Leonard Cohen song, “(joy) is not a victory march. It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah!”
