To Build Relationships: Listen For What They Care About
By Troy Campbell, PhD
In some of our workshops people have cried tears of appreciation. Why did they cry these tears?
Did someone tell a huge motivational story on stage? No.
Did they receive a big award? No.
Did they just get to play with cute puppies? Sadly, no.
In actuality, people cried a few tears of appreciation just because they had their feelings heard in a 60-second activity called “Listen For What They Care About.”
Though tears aren’t the normal response to this activity, strong emotions, deep realizations, and developing impactful listening habits are.
How It Works
The Listening For What They Care About activity is done in pairs.
One person (the speaker) is given the freedom to talk about how something has been difficult for them at work or in their life for 60 seconds while their partner (the listener) is instructed to just listen intently for what the speaker cares about.
Then after 60 seconds of listening, the listener responds by starting with the phrase “Based on what I heard you say - this is what I think you care about.” The listener responds by just validating, acknowledging, and seeking to further understand the speaker’s thoughts and feelings.
Critically, the listener does not try to solve the speaker’s problem or try to relate or try to say anything smart. They just focus on what the speaker really cares about.
Then they switch roles and repeat.
What People Learn
This activity reveals so much about the psychology of acknowledgement and how little of it we receive in the workplace from peers or leaders.
When people reflect on how it felt to be the speaker, many people say things like:
“It felt really good to just say what I felt.”
“I’m rarely listened to like that at work.”
“I want to be listened to like that more.”
When people reflect on how it felt to be the listeners, they say and admit things like:
“I don’t often listen like that.”
“I always try to solve people’s problems.”
“I don’t usually show I care about their feelings.”
Or most often, people say, “I’m always just thinking about what I am going to say, not listening for what they care about.”
Even people who have had “active listening” training often really have not fully embodied the true act of “listening for what other’s care about” and then subsequent act of validating. The activity leads to powerful learnings that can become impactful habits.
The Impact
The result of this short activity can be highly impactful as it gives every team a simple activity to habitually use to normalize better listening.
At every level of organizations, we’ve seen this activity be a strong learning experience and that can lead to cultural changes.
This activity is most successful when paired with some science, art, and business, including the science of acknowledgement and egocentric bias, the art of additionally listening from the art of applied improvisation, and some intentionally business strategy to scale the behaviors on teams.
Big and personal change can begin with just 60 seconds when you “listen for they care about.”
