Three Ways to Deeply Acknowledge
By Troy Campbell, PhD and Brad Robertson, MBA
Summary
This article is about:
Why deeply acknowledging others’ feelings and needs is so important.
The pervasive problem of empty acknowledgement.
Four types of errors that lead us to give empty acknowledgement.
Three solutions to deeply acknowledge more.
The Importance of Acknowledgement
Acknowledgement is a fundamental human need in the workplace.
When people feel seen and heard, they feel positive, psychologically safe, and cared for.
When people feel unseen and unheard, they feel negative, psychologically unsafe, and disliked.
The difference between feeling acknowledged and unacknowledged is so strong that as Duke University’s Dr. Mark Leary explains, at times being ignored can feel like being hated.
Luckily, today more and more people know that acknowledgement is important. Pop culture language and Hollywood movies have even adopted the lingo of “acknowledgement,” “validation,” and “active listening.”
But despite the wide-spread awareness that acknowledgement is important, people in the workspace still often feel unseen and unheard by those that are genuinely attempting to acknowledge them.
Why?
Because not all acknowledgement is equal.
There is a difference between deeply acknowledging others’ feelings and needs, and giving them empty acknowledgement.
The Pervasive Problem of Empty Acknowledgement
Well-intentioned people often give acknowledgement that is superficial, biased, or weak.
We call this behavior “empty acknowledgement” and it is pervasively prevalent.
The most common forms of empty acknowledgement are short statements like the following:
“We know you are scared, but don’t worry, it will work out.”
“These are unprecedented times; we know things are hard.”
“Thanks for your feedback, we will take it into consideration.”
When people hear these empty acknowledgements, they often don’t feel heard.
And yet people who give these statements often think they are sufficient.
Fortunately though, we find that when most people discover they’ve been engaging in empty acknowledgement, they want to change their behavior and do better.
This is because most of those who give empty acknowledgement are trying to be genuinely helpful and kind, but are making unintentional errors.
Empty Acknowledgement
Feeling empathetic.
Taking 10 seconds to listen.
Saying “Yeah, I feel similar.”
Telling someone you understand what they are “going through.”
Deep Acknowledgement
Demonstrating empathy.
Taking 10 minutes to listen.
Understanding what’s different about their experience.
Telling someone what you believe they are “going through” and inviting them to share more.
Four Errors that Lead to Empty Acknowledgment
In our work and our synthesis of behavioral science, we have found people give empty acknowledge due to in large part because of these four errors.
Listening Error
The person has not fully listened and understood others, but believes they have.
Example: After someone shares something challenging about their work: “No, you don’t need to explain further, I get it, working from home must be hard for you.”
Care Loudly Error
The person has fully listened and understood, but fails to communicate and show they have.
Example: A leader reads a long e-mail sent from an employee and has a heart-felt and empathetic reaction, but doesn’t tell their employee they read it or show they are going to do something about it.
Insufficiency Error
The person acknowledges in a way that is too small given the amount of accomplishment or experienced pain of the other.
Example: A leader says, “To end this year-end meeting, I want to take a few seconds to acknowledge the months of great work you’ve all done, and let you know it matters to us. See you on Monday.”
Equivalency Error
The person equates their struggles with another, when the struggles are different in magnitude or quality.
Example: A leader says, “I know, I’ve been struggling too. I have not been able to get my massage for the last two months.”
Solutions to Deeply Acknowledge More
Most of the solutions to empty acknowledgement are to develop strategies and systems to create genuine listening and conversation. Here is a solution:
For everyone
We recommend the activity “Listen for What They Care About” (which will be featured in our next newsletter!) where you invite someone to vent about a problem and ask follow-up questions until you can accurately state back to them “what they care about.”
This is a time-tested and hugely helpful tool we have been teaching for over 15 years.
For leaders
We recommend you acknowledge your teams in a way that invites others to add to your shared understanding.
For instance when speaking to a group, you might say, “Here’s what I think I know about your experience and needs” and then add, “What else don’t I know about your experience and needs,” and invite people in the moment to add new information or to clarify or correct what you said.
For teams
We recommend you engage in everyday genuine acknowledgement habits like “asking for help” or the “compliment game.”
Additionally, we suggest at least twice a year doing a facilitated (virtually or live) OYF ACE team session that leverages the full ACE Model of Acknowledge, Connect, Explore.
Conclusion
Errors in our communication like “empty acknowledgement” are very likely to occur due to our general psychology. This means, in order to overcome them, we need to be hyper vigilant and more intentional.
Behavioral science research on egocentric bias, confirmation bias, and empathy gaps repeatedly finds people are likely to commit and not detect they are committing judgment and communication errors.
Deeply acknowledging takes awareness, effort and skill.
